Sunday Flotsam 

Two hours ago I was half conscious on the sofa. As soon as I hit the bed I found myself wide awake once more. 

It’s a common occurrence lately. My brain is filled with chatter that I can’t seem to quiet down.  I sometimes wonder if  I’ve made too many life changes at once. As much confidence and bravado as I put out there there are equal amounts of doubt and fear. 

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I participated in my first ever 5K on Saturday. I still look at the participation medal and cannot believe I finished. It was such a high to cross that finish line alongside Ava, (huge shout out to my awesome 6 year old for rocking this race) to hear our names announced. If someone had told me six months ago that I would sign up for such an event, much less finish, I would have told them they’re crazy.  My goal now is to be in good enough shape by next year’s race to run, vs walk it. Next up is another 5k in May, to walk with and for our dear friends and the Make A Wish Foundation.  We both seem to have caught the race bug, so I’m on the lookout for other events. 

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I realized last week that I’m still carrying some baggage from my divorce that I truly thought I’d left behind. It’s easy to think that when you’re alone. Hypothetical relationships are much easier to figure out.

The cycle of fear and self doubt is a hard one to break.  Opening myself up to someone again makes me vulnerable. Trust doesn’t come easily and I end up questioning and second guessing everything I say and is said to me.  Every once in a while I fall back into thinking I’m not good enough. Questioning why people are in my life.   I guess the good thing is that I’m aware of it.  Clearly there is more work to do, but then again aren’t we all works in progress?

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I deleted my profile on a couple of dating sites again.  I got some real weirdos but the real catalyst was being contacted by a client. Who then came into the office and grilled me about being a member. It was hands down the most awkward conversation I’ve ever had. 

I did meet one fairly normal guy. On paper he’s pretty good. Cute, educated, funny, etc.  He threw a couple of red flags though and even without them, my heart just wasn’t in it.  

So onward and upward I go. 

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